4:45am riser

February 2, 2020 at 6:54 pm (Uncategorized)

I honestly cant remember the last time I managed to sleep in past 5am! The only time I seem to is wen they ponce about with the bloody clox n all that duz is alter the time NOT the amount of sleep I get🤯

Surprise surprise I ran out of one of my pain meds……30/500 cocodamole, these r fizzy sort that really help with the rest of the others, I got sum “normal” tablets but compared to the fizzies theyre 💩cak!! Take soooo longter work😢

Hav hardly moved at all today, not thru choice I jus cant stan dupp to do anything, was asleep wen lunchtime carer came in, woke up to find a hoooge mug ov T nxt to me and her changing all the covers on my settee….then was jus drifting in+out of consciousness due to temgesics taken…Its now 6:45pm+the days gon alredy tiz anuva day where I miss my friend from upstairs, havent seen her for over a week again! Last I heard from her was she was gona pop down fora coffee, I evn struggled to go up to see how she was that same evenin but she’d gorne out! I kno she dint hava mobile that day but if she had knockerdid on her way out it wooda saved me bit o’ pain………..

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Fri the thurty Wunth Jamuhairy

January 31, 2020 at 8:02 pm (Uncategorized)

Tiz edzakery how I feel atm, am frustrated coz I got furkin mice again! Most frustrating thing is they not my b’stard fault……they hav cum from upstairs coz they so fupdukin dirty theyre infested with the shitz and they r now spreading ffs🤬😡😤 Im not kidding I’m amongst the few tenants that hav lived here since the building was constructed, thats about 9 or 10 years and none of us have seen hide nor hair of ANY FURKIN rodent of any description!! These dirty *}%~> not been here a year and caused/causing a hooooooge amount of KRAP! The cheeky nobz even had the freakin nerve of saying the things came from me……sh*theads🤥🤬……but thankfully when I had the “mandatory” inspection even the mouse man said they dint come from me! P*ssed on their bonfire! Lmffao.. Two or three times this week alone I’ve heard the little furkers in the walls, behind certain things…… Well I got some of them erekcronic fingys prugged in all over the place AND poison AND mouse traps. Sumpfinks gotta work coz I dint fansee sittin up all nite wiv my BB gun takin plopshots at them if+wen they stik their heads out 🐭🔫🗡🔪🪓⚔️anyfink will doodle cos I AINT gona share my home wiv nuffink elsie🧨🪓lmfao!!!!

Had emuff turd eh….hehahehaheha hav goter take my eleventeenth (I fink) dose o’meds big4 I dude sumfing KrApY, dis pain drives me menfol😢🙄😤😪😢🤪😜🤪😜

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Soooo close🤭

January 27, 2020 at 10:48 pm (Uncategorized)

I duno wots goin on with me atm, I cant remember the last day that I managed to stick to the “right” dosage+quantity of my meds, most days I’ve ended up having five doses a day instead of the allowed four……..

I cannot cope with things, the pain drives me almost to the point of suicide…..I got no faith in the so called drs, it’s virtually impossible to get past the SS secretary’s on the deception. I’m sure they dont need to kno the things they ask, after all, I only wanna see a fkin Dr!!

My L kidney is sooo painful and NOTHING I’m taking is helping in the least, I’m even taking over the counter medication as well but is making little or no difference.

Worst thing is tho is I hav such a short fuse that I’m frightened I’m gona say or do sumthin to sumone that I dont mean…… I hate the way I feel, sometimes I jus wanna sit here+cry, I cant help it, I just dont want to be here, this isnt living, I wldnt even call it an existence……. If I was a dog they’d put me down, but they wont let me even do it myself! All they’ll do is lock me up again.

Another thing I kno is stupid is I struggle going to bed, crazy eh? It makes me feel sick, no idea why, almost like a panic attack…..🤢🤮

I had enuf of this so called life….. I feel like I’m going to fall apart but daren’t cos my sons sittin here now😪😥😬

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Same crap, Different year!

January 11, 2020 at 4:02 pm (Uncategorized)

Nothin really changes, except sometimes gets worse!

One of my daughters sometimes makes me think she dont believe I got this shite disease among other things…… Jus the way she is and things she says sumtimes but ive had a particularly crap 6-8 wks so I sort of retaliated today…..not nastily jus needed to let her know how crap ive felt for far too bloody long,

 

Im fkin horrible again,feel like SHITE all the b’stard time,nothin I do/try/not eat makes any difference at all,pain ALWAYS creeps thru ANYFuKiN medz take….. dread to think wot itll b like if dint take the stuff I take😢😪im fed up wiv not being able to stand,walk,NOTAfukin thing for more than 5 SECONDS without feelin like I hava red hot poker shoved thru my sides from back to front! I cant do a furkin thing for myself,+I mean nothin…….struggle like furk to do EVERYTHING that EVERYONE else jus duz naturally……I dread going to the loo coz I cant clean myself proply,tiz y I try to go 2 or 3 days instead of evryday, I havnt hada shower since BEFORE Christmas! Fkin disgusting I kno but I cant bear the pain+feeling like a total waste of time/space/woteva else…..

U wanted to know…..well now u do but thats just the tip of the iceberg…I got stop cos Edward b here inamin to do his lunch+I look a real furkin mess😢😕😢😢sry darling.

Sumtimes I hav to say how I feel cos it feels like people think I’m makin it all up……no one has an idea of me jus tryin to exist,I dont act certain ways to wind people up,I honestly cant help feeling like crap,not wanting to talk, not wanting to go out/anywer/+jus stay indoors….its best for me.

if I go anywer I can c people think “wtf the matter wiv misrable old git” or worse…..no I’m not being selfish, im tryin to deal/cope wiv this soul destroying disease(s) the only way I can

Yes its sumtimes lonely/empty woteva but rather b like that than hav peeps think even worse of me….cos they do.

I was upset anyway darling……bin a few days since I had a good cry…

xxxxxxx

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ANUVA CRAP week….duno wot I dun tho…..

October 30, 2019 at 6:09 pm (Uncategorized)

If I’ve dun sumthin wrong

Then please tell me WHAT!!

Instead of just blanking me

And treating me like a TWAT….

 

It’s obvious its my fault

Sumthin I dun or said

I havent got a bloody clue

Just wish that I was dead

 

I made it clear from the start

It was friendship I was after

It was a refreshing change

To sit and just hear laughter

 

The last thing that I had

Was a txt saying cya later

So I wished her well+sed

Drive safely alligator

 

That was on Sat night

Nearly four days ago

Heard nothin since then

No txt no knock jus aggro

 

I know that she’s about

As her car is sumtimes gon

I still wish that she’d jus tel me

Wtf that I’ve done wrong🥺

 cld b better I kno but am really ill atm and doin this took over an hour…… let’s face it, if ya don’t like it…..don’t read it…..

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And Anuva one😧

September 24, 2019 at 3:12 pm (Uncategorized)

30th June 2019 6:09am

 

Thank you very much for being so kind

And still running around after me

When theres so much on your mind

Theres not a word I find or could see

 

Im sorry for being such a pain

And grinding on your nerves

I forget sometimes how lucky I am

For being someone I dont deserve

 

So I thought id spend some time

Trying to make it clear in style

Its the time we spend together

That makes it so worthwhile

 

Anyone can write a note

Put pen to paper its true

But this is just a little poem

Written by me,just for you

 

I would hope u kno I love u all

Tho sometimes it might not show

By me being a miserable old git

Instead of letting u all know

 

I couldnt say all this to ur face

Cos my eyes would start to leak

U know how much I have to drink

And the fluid would make me squeak

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SSDD…work it out!

September 24, 2019 at 1:48 pm (Uncategorized)

13th aug 2019

 

I really can’t remember

ANY point in this life

Where things were ever easy

And not just full of strife

 

I was bullied at every school

No matter what I tried

At the end of every day

I’d hide myself and cry

 

As my life carried on

I used to sometimes think

Why so many operations

Life really truly stinks

 

The thoughts run thru my head

A washing machine for a mind

Facing so many scary things

Make every day a grind

 

I’ve made it to age 59

Life’s even more a mess

I honestly can’t recall

The last day without stress

 

The thing that really worries me

And is always in the way

How+what meds to take

To sleep permanently today

 

I want it to be final

It’s not a cry or plea

If u had lived my life

Is the only way you’d see

 

Nothing seems to help

Or aid in any way

Every days a struggle

Is this my last Today?

 

Most people only worry

What’s in it just for me

Looking after number one

I pray they never see

 

The life that I tried to live

For them it’s a nightmare

They return to their happy life

Forgetting they said they care

 

I’ve tried to not be selfish

Believe me when I say

I hate asking for anything

Please listen to me today

 

I’ve had a real rough week

Hospitals have taken their toll

My heart doesn’t seem to exist

Instead there’s just a hole

 

I know there’s other people

Who’s life is even worse

Maybe I’m being selfish again

By scribbling down this verse

 

There’s been so many people

That have said they wish me luck

But I’ve seen them as they said it

They honestly didn’t give a fuck!!

 

So if you get to read this

And it seems to be too late

It wasn’t anything you did

I could never ever hate.

 

If this verse upsets you

That’s not what’s in my mind

I loved everyone I met

Even those that were unkind.

 

Some people are so stupid

In things they do and say

Living for others not themselves

Just live YOUR life YOUR way!!.

 

actually choked me up as much as it did when I first wrote it, its the closest thing to how my life really is I think…….🤔

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From my diary…😕

September 24, 2019 at 1:40 pm (Uncategorized)

13th Feb 2019 7:25pm On my mind

just a copy of what was on my mind and still is, I cannot seem to be able to find ANY peace or put my mind to rest.

Things atm really are getting too much and on top of me, I have tried to talk to people but to be brutally honest, although it seems like they’re listening or care i still keep getting the feeling that none of them really honestly seem to give a flying fuck about anything I say…… Perhaps its me being too touchy or they have enuf shit of their own to be dealing with.

I constantly feel sick, it’s like the beginning of a panic attack that just doesn’t finish….all I can think of at the moment is being dead, that’ll be the end of everything, no more pain, no more non stop meds, no more forcing fluids in, then pissing them out, no more crappy stress causing panic attacks and constant agony, no more worrying if my fucking rents been paid or not, no more fucking anything at all, just peace, quiet and rest and time with my Lord……thank you….

17:30hrs

Another one of those days

Where nothing I do feels right

The tears creep down my cheeks

My life is just one long fight

 

It really feels that it’s time

Time that I shldnt be here

Please Lord come and get me

I’ve spilt too many tears

 

I can feel them in my stomach

I can feel them in my chest

The feelings of depression

It’s time I was put to rest

 

There never seems to be peace

In my life without someone trying

To disrupt my already crap life

Where I’m left in a heap just crying

 

If it’s not the poxy rent office

Chasing rent arrears not my fault

Even though they get ALL the forms

Feel rope round my kneck draw taught

 

Theres always someone there

That plays with my crap life

That seems to get a kick out of

Piling on even more strife

 

It’s been going on for years

At least fifteen,probably more

Well, if your the person causing it

You’ve won, I got no fite no more

 

I’ve been cut open a few times

From the front right round the back

Both sides have been sliced open

But this crap is the worst attack

 

I don’t know who they are

I don’t know what I’ve done

I’ve fought for so many years

But I give up, there,you’ve won.

 

After struggling with this disease

Amongst many other shite things

Please believe me when I say

I honestly gave it my everything.

 

The pain+sufferings just too much

Too many years it’s gone on+on

But I’m sorry if you will miss me

Jus be thankful my agony’s gone

 

The people that cared+loved me

You know just who you are

If you hadn’t been around so long

Idve gone years ago by far!

 

Perhaps I’ve been a soft target

Someone that they just hate

They might have left me alone

If they’d seen what was on my plate

 

At the moment I feel so ill

My hip feels full of red hot lead

This Kidney pain is excruciating

This is when I pray for death

 

My life’s so very hard to handle

With two hundred pills a day

But still u make me feel worthless

Cos u must hav ur fucking way

 

Well now I’m at the point

Where I just don’t give a fuck

Just way too much crap in my life

Your shite jus spreads the muck

 

There’s nothing I can do

I sit here jus waiting to die

Standing or trying to walk

The pains make me stumble+cry

 

I fall and hit the floor

Kiss the door as I go down

I honestly wish u cld see me

Bleeding and wearing a frown

 

I have to lay there for a while

Till I think that I’m able

To struggle to my feet

And use anything like a table

 

🥺Sent from my iPhone🤭😢

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One update…others to follow, I hope

September 24, 2019 at 1:33 pm (Uncategorized)

4th September 2019 7:50am

I really dont kno why

The pains so bad today

Its not even eight a.m.

But I’ve already lost my way.

 

I’ve been up since jus gon five

As the pains have made me sweat

I dont kno why I bother

As so called life has nothing left

 

I just cant find the words

To explain how I feel

Every single movement

Makes me feel so very ill

 

I hide so much from friends

And especially my family

Exactly what this disease

Has really done to me

 

Not one of them ever sees

Just how broken inside I am

The tears caused by this pain

And those pretending to giv a damn

 

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TOTAL BOLLOX LIFE!!!

February 14, 2019 at 2:44 pm (Uncategorized)

This so called life just gets shittier and shittier ffs! I got a letter from my landlord saying I’m over £500.00 in rent arrears! I sat here thinking “htf can that be, my rent gets paid by the local council” but the worst thing is ANY STRESS creates crappy chemicals that make my kidneys hurt that much more……believe me, IF I could fukin well work I would! After all the shit I went thru early teens I lied to employers so I could work, not like the spoilt lazy b’stards that sit on their butts and expect everything handed to ‘em today!

Well it finally got to the stage where I cldnt stand, walk properly or pretty much do sfa so I had to givup work. Anyway enuf of that shit, back to the new shit being dumped on me lately…. it turns out(so sum1 reckons) that the wanky government have, in their own stupid cldnt give a fuck about what anyone thinks or say, have decided that EVERYONE, regardless has to pay a top up rent or woteva the fuck they decided to bullshit it into! BUT, and this is the fucker, I wasn’t told in anyway shape or form it had happened so for nearly a year this “top up rent” bollox has sat there getting more+more+more until some c*nt in the rent office thought “that’s a nice little debt, thatll really fuck him up for a while!” So that’s exactly what they did! I cant for the crappy shitty life of me see wtf they get out of it except for the “kick” that they must get by watching, reading or listening to the affect that it’s having on their life! Excuse me IF I’m wrong but I really think that it’s a real shitty thing to do and the only way I can see of getting even is something involving their body, an electric drill, hammer and a vice! Only then would they get some idea of what living with this crap disease is like!

My carer, bless her has spent the best part of the last two, might be three, weeks trying to get this sorted, like how, why, when, etc etc etc htf did this crap happen when none of us had heard/seen anything about it on the news?!

Well as usual she spent hours on the phone trying to find things out and leaving messages for shit for brains dickheads that promised to look into things and RING HER BACK to let her know wtfs going on but guess what? Yup, you guessed it, the ignorant bitch didn’t give a fuck/couldn’t be arsed to do what she said which is fkin ignorant, no bloody excuse for it, cos that’s what it is……soooo again, time after time my carer tries again AND AGAIN, to get the help that this sfb’s has said she’ll do.

My carer even spent over two hours!! at the local council benefits office trying her best to get to the bottom of wtf going on but there again some other little hitler, the jumped up tik turd, decides that it’s her turn to make EVERYTHING AS FUCKING HARD AS POSSIBLE so denies her any info, help or anything at all…….by this time I’m at the point of jus taking meds wen I need them for stress pains on top of all the other fkin shite…

There’s been so much other shit gone on as well so in the end she called in the big guns…..my daughter Jen, who has four kids under ten and runs every single thing to do with them going to different skools and a home!

Within 24hrs if contacting her, she’s been in touch with both dickhead depts, been to me for as much info and paperwork as poss, taken them to different places etc etc and can now, hopefully see a glimpse of light at the end of what has+still is a very very long dark and twisting shite covered tunnel.

watch this space for further info, that’s of course if I’m still here cos atm I feel so bloody ill that I cld quite easily take the next weeks painkillers or so to bring this horrendous, gut wrenching, heart breaking so called life finally, after 50yrs of pain, to a peaceful, painfree existence……….

Now there’s gona be sum that think I’m just givin up too easily or sumthin BUT when it feels like ur testicles are in a vice most of the day,or being put on a bench and smashed with a mallet or sumthin worse…..AND that’s on a good day…. that’s why wen I start getting shit for sumthin that I got absolutely NO control of my brain starts thinkin “whats the furkin point?” If I was a dog theydve put me down years ago….. tbh I really hav had more than enough, enough crap, enough stress, enough pain, enough taking up to TWO HUNDRED pills a day and enough trying to drink EIGHT LITRES of fluid a day……. so fuck yeah, I’ve had more than enough of everything thank you very much🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬

 

 

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